January 29, 2019

I’ve been a part of a relationship group on FB, in some way, from the gate... whether it’s been 25-year convos about relationships with one of my closest friends, Kam, to participating in live events, to conference calls, to discussions in the group, to now having my own life coaching and relationship coaching practice... Kam, Al, myself, and everyone there are actively figuring out and seeking successful tools and practices for relationships... This morning during my meditation I had an epiphany. Life is about discovering and sharing ones unique gifts and talents with the Universe. When our practices lean towards taking rather than giving, then there’s an imbalance. What’s possible when we truly unpack and examine the dating rituals and reshape the pieces/parts where we’re focused on taking/receiving rather than giving/sharing? How would the dynamics shift when all people involved are keenly in tune with who they are and are excited and confident about sharing themselves free of past judgments and full of the positive lessons learned from past relationships?  What’s possible when the old (or current) ways of doing this dating and relating, that aren’t working, are shed in the interests of doing things that may be different but more effective, loving, and giving... rather than doing things that are ultimately set up for one to “get” something? What happens to our prayers and asks when they shift from bring or give me my perfect match, to... support me in transforming my life to give and offer me, my gifts, my talents, my experiences, and my love of our people in order to improve the world in which we all live? How would it feel to start and finish every day with gratitude as well as a question of how did I give today? ... What did I love about me today? Perhaps when we notice how that truly shifts our energy, we’ll notice the positive things that happen in our lives and want to give more... Until we do away with practices, thinking, ways of being, etc. that don’t and haven’t served us... Until we shift our perspectives, hearts, minds, and actions... we’ll continue to end up in relationships with ourselves that do not feed our souls.

Be Well. #GivingVsTaking#GivingVsGetting

November 01, 2018

From the Gottman Institute...

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Here are three important rituals that guard against taking each other for granted and drifting apart.

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1. Create a habit of reunion every day.
The most important moment in your marriage is the moment of reunion—it’s how you greet each other. If you consistently greet each other well, you will look forward to seeing each other. If you are inconsistent about how you greet each other, you can lose that sense of excitement. If you criticize each other at the moment of reunion, you can become fearful of seeing each other.

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I made a commitment right then and there to dance with my wife whenever I greet her. Now the first thing I do when I get home is to find her, and tell her, “I have to dance with you.” On days when I work too late, or am traveling without her, I make up for the missed opportunity by sending my wife a video kiss from my iPhone. Once we even danced via Facetime.

The consistency of greeting each other well has completely transformed our marriage. Every day of our marriage has romance and affection in it, and my wife and I are always excited to see each other.

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2. Set aside two minutes of undistracted communication every day.
An extended kiss, a prolonged hug, and a couple of sincere questions like... What was the best part of your day?  How did you bring joy and laughter to your office? or What was your biggest takeaways from your week so far?  One partner may be more talkative than the other.  More directed questions help to find a good balance while checking in.

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Right from the beginning of the day, create a ritual to nurture the romance, affection, and connection in your marriage.  This feeling will persist and grow (pun intended) throughout the day. Two minutes of non-distracted communication, while dancing at the moment of reunion, serves to refresh this daily connection.

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3. Practice an appreciation ritual every day.
Sadly, couples tend to take the good in each other for granted very quickly—and can even stop noticing the good that the other is doing—while focusing more and more on the petty failings of the other.

Couples should incorporate an appreciation ritual into our daily lives. We’ve learned to say thank you throughout the day. And we end each day before going to bed by sitting together, with the computers off, and thanking each other once again for all the big and small things we’ve done for each other that day.

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When we first started this ritual, we were stunned to realize how much each of us was doing for the other during the day. I had become so focused on my petty complaints about my wife that I had forgotten what a good wife she was. Our thank you ritual to end the day has helped us become much more tolerant of each other’s failings.

Most couples allow their marriages to decay slowly over time, often without realizing it. But this wasn’t my marriage’s fate, and it doesn’t have to be yours. Daily rituals keep the sense of connection strong in marriage and assure that romance, affection, and appreciation are a part of your married life every day.

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Peter McFadden

August 08, 2018

Here's a blog post that I thought you all would like...

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It doesn’t take a major overhaul to improve your marriage. Small things often can create big changes over time.

Small things – a kiss, a compliment, a car wash – add up and create a surplus of goodwill and affection that make it easy to get through the many mundane trials that couples face every day.

Couples who do small things often create a path toward a more intimate, trusting, and satisfying relationship.

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Here are three small ideas:

-Before leaving for work, spend a minute to learn at least one interesting thing that will happen in your partner's day
-Text your partner while you're apart and tell them one thing you appreciate about them
-Give your partner a six-second kiss when you reunite at the end of the day

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Small things often is not just a motto. It's reminder to make daily deposits in your Emotional Bank Account. Building up the good stuff will help your marriage survive the bad stuff.

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Question of the day: 
What is one small thing you can do right now to improve your marriage?

April 24, 2018

From a blog I read today...

When someone you love is upset, it's natural to want to fix it. This is especially true for men. But usually your spouse isn't asking for you to come up with a solution. They just want you to be there for them.

We see the fallout from unsolicited advice all the time in our work with couples.  Unless your partner has specifically asked for help, don't try to fix the problem, change how your partner feels, or rescue them.

The rule, then, is understanding must precede advice.  Here are some phrases to communicate your understanding:

-I can see why you feel that way. 
-No wonder you're upset. 
-That sounds frustrating. 
-I would have been disappointed, too.

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We're not suggesting that it's never appropriate to problem-solve when your partner is upset. You have to let them know that you fully understand and empathize with them. Only then will they be receptive to suggestions.

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Question of the day: 
What does your partner need from you when they're upset?

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#AlchemyRelationships #DivingWithin